You might have already seen these, they're quite good if ya haven't - obviously...


If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and
hey presto!  The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Dyslexics.  Try deliberately spelling words wrongly.  This
way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class
Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards,
painting their noses  blue, and cutting off a couple of toes.  It never fails to impress the
girls.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack
up a fat  friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in
the box.  The possibility
of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking
any of them.

Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears,
talking gibberish and singing all the time.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry
a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the
broken glass to the side of
the road every time you have a minor accident.

Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling
them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging
up half  way through their reply.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day.
They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by
drinking a  thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running
your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the
shower on every time you want to speak.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all
their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in
your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding
two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Bus drivers.  Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging
your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the
steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back
along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

International master criminals.  Tell your guards to shoot
James Bond in the head at the first opportunity.  Under no
circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave
him in the custody of  attractive women in bikinis.

KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for
giants.
NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for
dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.
FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for
midgets.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along
an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for
office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense
of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore
increase your chances of  getting the job